Currently Listening Hairspray (Soundtrack to the Motion Picture) Without Love see related

Here I Go

Its been so long since Ive actually NEEDED to write in here. Its usually when im confused and cant really explain much, even to myself. I havent mentioned how im working at amc or how im a senior now. Or that pep rally was so great or that my life was doing just fine. Why the change? Not sure. Could be of the feeling of stupidity that helps me fall into this state thats going to be impossible for me to fall out of for a while. Just like in the summer. Candy Anyone? For the most part of that, I can mention that candy wont be a worthwhile food subsitite this time. At this point, I dont believe theres anything i can substitute. Its something Ive been meaning to do for a while, and I suppose all I needed was a push in the right direction. and god damn was it a rough push. The worst part of it all is that I cant stop. Seem sort of stalkerish? lol I can assure you im not. Its weird, its almost incredible that i was able to write down exactly what I meant in my own personal journal. Im sure that years from now, or maybe even months I'll read it and go " what? that was definately not it " but for right now, its what I believe best describes what Im feeling. And What is that? Not Sure. lol. Its funny because I really and honestly dont know. In my journal I simply describe whats going on and on, but i dont seem to understand much of it. Oh, there it is Confusion. I keep on telling myself theres hope in it all. God damn the whole optimism mode I go into.  Its not like I can help it. But somewhere deep inside, I know that this is whats best. It'll help me get out of this hole I dug for myself. Its gonna take me a while. With more then a year worth of digging you can imagine how big that hole must be right now. Start climbing Gema. So ever wonder what wasting a year feels like? Let me tell you. Its not a happy happy feeling. Its more of a " Why " sort of feeling. Those you get when your doing something and WHILE your doing it you know its not going to end well but for some reason your body isnt responding to your brain. And then when it happens you go "... Why did I do that". I suppose thats a look into what Im feeling right now. And thats the big question " why did I do this ". Hope, its a strong thing. Simply put Hope can be the greatest thing when your almost at the end of a really long tunnel. Or it can make you waste a year on.. whats that........ nothing. Can anyone tell me which one I decided to choose? It certaintly wasnt the first one. though something tells me thats the one Im going for now.  For all I know this isnt really happening and [BLANK] could be lying or could have possibly no idea whats he's talking about. And Me, well I would have just fell completely for it. But. Maybe its better right now that I believe what [ BLANK] said to Margy. Isnt it ? Maybe a year is enough of a wait right? Funny how I never thought myself patient either. No one is EVER!!! allowed to tell me im not. Truth be told, I dont know what would happen if its a lie, cause this ho is weak as anything and she'll crumple in an instant. So lets try to start over. Let me put all the insignificant little things that meant a lot to me but apperently not to you in a box and lets lock it up. Lets just hope that Hope isnt presented to me again cause Im going to fall and crumple and im going to give in instantly. and thats when im going to need someone to snap me out of it. This all might seem a bit dramatic, which is what IM SURE all of you ( or whoever even goes on this anymore lol probally not even one ) are thinking. But I cant lie about what I think it feels like. or the way im feeling right now in general. Dont worry either cause the smile that always seems to linger on my face shall still be there as bright as ever. ^^. So Let the journey begin ! lol. People Can Change, so stop running, cause its you your running from.

Currently Listening Measure of a Man By Clay Aiken I Survived You see related

Here's To Another Day~*~

Haven't written in a long time. Been pretty busy. Colorguard finally finished. only 2 games left though.  um... I don't know. Going to Florida on the 19th. wooot ? Well I get to see my cousin I think im staying at her house so yay on that . um. I think it would be pretty cool if i had a cousin named Nastascia lol cause she has a cousin named Gemma... that would be funny. lol. eh.  Im eating ben and Jerry's Butter Pecan ^^ My favorite.  Xmas is coming up. so I knwo what im getting Kimmy.. adn thats liek a 100% and thats it lol.  and semily Bree but im not sure if I want to give her that. Just finished watching Enough.. and now. Im watching it again.  you knwo I actually REALLY like this movie. best thing Jennifer Lopez ever did. lol but that little girl was so annoying man lol.  okay OW ! lol I just had some ice cream and then drank ginger ale.  HOLY shiz does it burn. lol ne. School isnt going as well as I would like it to be going. I think Im  not getting a like C or Low B in biology and Psychology and I KNOW im getting an F in History or maybe a D but a Low D. ugh.  and the rest is pretty good. the rest Ive been doing good. but thats not saying much really.  because what else do I have to pass. I have then MAth okay. and I have chorus.... um. and English. um.... waht else. Gym. and im missing one class that I cant remember.. ummm...... lets see I have History Math Pyschology Lunch Chorus Biology Gym and English.  okay yea. so the grades in that order are most likely going to be  F B C No grade for this class. Bor/A C B and B  greeeeeat  ugh. See and that sucks.  bleh I have to raise them up next semester which I plan to do like a crazy psycho bi*&^  ne.  um.. 2 penpals @__@ snap. Hard to keep track of two actually. lol XDD;; um. what else. We got Third in the USSBA competition for colorguard. and 6 in general. out  of 12. woot for us. best we did all school eyar. our last games are coming up.  No more practice either.   salvation. Naomi is doing really good ^^. Went to visit her today.I dont really like going there much lol. Its a bit scary each time. but I love visisting her. I know that. but just not there. ne >.<. um. Vanessa and Quintesa and  their dad came over today and I was like passed out. I was supossed to go to Valeries but my mom wouldnt let me because she wanted to see ;" my face" today soIm like w.e and she didnt let me go though I wanted to watch Phantom of the Opera. This Tuesday Im working again for another 35 $ woot. xmas money. lol.  I have a slight cold.  ne.>.< ugh

  okay thats the end of my pretending. ugh I dont know anymore. I dont want ot be here anymore. I need to get out of here. and I dont knwo why. I cant stand it. i dont know what the fuck im doing but i dont even feel safe at my own house. i dont want to stay here. anymore.   god damnit. Ive tried to talk abotu it but no one listening and no one remembers. and I dont blame them because i forgot. I didnt care .  well i did. but i  i just didnt bother ever thinking about it and then bam bricks to my head  impact of not thinking about it for like 2 years and then its just shoved in my face.  ugh i dont know. I just want to.... run away .. from everything. Im done. with my rant I guess.

Currently Listening Love Jam By Ai Otsuka Friends see related

Okay.  I guess I don't even know what to say. lol ^^; I'm okay would be a start huh? I really don't want to worry anyone. But.. If I'm not fine.. I will be. Soon too. Things have been getting me just a bit down lately. I'll bounce back in no time though or Im hoping for it. Everything is becoming way too  Hectic in a way. Not really even lol But. It doesn't feel right anymore, if that makes sense. Shit Im being stupid lol.  Hmm.. Im Planning on sewing tomorrow with Haruka Stivy Josie and QueQue I think. Should be fun ^^. I want to buy this costume online. I loveIt !! soo much. and its cheap compared to the other ones especially since they are well made. lol. . Damn. It sucks pretending. Im sorry. Hmm... I want...want.... Soemthing. lol. Jesus. I completly over slept lol. Relaxed all day. No tv or computer. lol Relaxation. Only conversation I had from the outside world today was with Tori, Edwin and Amanda. Didn't eat dinner. Mom ate out with LAz Milli and evelio. I had a good lunch though.. Cant remember what it was lol.  oh I had spaghetti. lol that was it.  I fell asleep then I watched peter pan. Watched up to the Fairy dance. FAVORITE SCENE! and then fell asleep then woke up to see the kiss to the end then fell asleep again. Then woke up walked pinky for a bit then came home cleaned my room and did nothing but talk through AIM. 12:30 I should get to sleep. I have to wake up early tomorrow. as it is. Hmm.. Goodnight then everyone and Like I said. Im doing fine right now. It'll all pass soon enough ^^.  Lyrics time

Friends

I tried walking very Far
I Walked without carrying anything
That Day I met you
I still treasure it

The face Hidden against the sunset
was something I couldnt show you
Tiny little drops of tears started to slow
As our hands softly seperated

If I say goodbye, then you'll definatly
be able to forget me
And then, if we meet again someday
You'll thank me then

The sound of laughter, that you can hear from the photograph
No Matter how faryou go, you'll still hear them
So many little drops, miserable tears flowed

If I say goodbye, then you'll definately
be able to more easly forget me
And then If we meet again someday
you'll thank me then...

Currently Listening E's Otherwise Sound Session V.2 By Japanimation Jouhou ( Information) see related

Hiya all. Okay, Saturday Morning awake and bored lol. Congrats to my brother who Beat Kindom Hearts 2  in less then a week of owning it lol. Props Props,  I personally like the white outfit best. or the yellow because the yellow one is cool. lol Im allright. My brother owns you at this game. End of story. lol Josies house was fun yeterday, we made the * blank* and we figured out about the *blank * too lol. hmm.. What happened recently. Oh yea Like I told Kim and Margy and like they told KAt. I don't give a rat's ass no more so I just wanna say w.e MY bad my bad lol but I Dont feel that way so Kat says I shouldnt even think about doing so. BUT knowing Erika she wouldn't accept it anyways, because she'll just start soemthing from it. hmm .. oh yea. how is it that eveyone knows whats goingon. maybe because SOME PEOPLE talk about it WHERE OTHERS CAN HEAR WAY TOO MUCH!! Im having random people THAT I DONT KNOW BY THE WAY! ask me " whats going on " then Im thinking here" who the *&^ are you to ask me that?"  honestly This thing is soo stupid. but w.e Like Kim said. I believe WE'RE right.. Spring Break is going to be fun. lol I looked at the weather and thursday seems like its going to be the best day out of them. Tori can't sleep over >.< Carl wont let her. OH

AND IF I MUST SAY LET ME SAY IT LET ME SAY IT!! .... I

 LOVE

 Howl !!!!! he is my baby!!!! I love him!! no one

touch him!! claimed!! I called it.!!!!!!!!

 o_<;; Yea my background picture is him yea I just like went online to look at things that are on sale with just his pic on it ! yea so what yo wanna fight about it o_<;  lol HES SOO HOT MAN!! lol I'm okay. and no Josie im not obsessed! lol. ^^. um.. where was I before hand?  oh yea. Im like dying for the mall.  hmm.. Boredness. This may be the shortest entry I have ever written. DID anyone see the new K9 acantix commercial the old one is so much better lol  Ive been liek writing down alot of lyrics down latly liek to songs. so ima bore you all with the lyrics ^^

Tonight/Midnight

To the drenching rain

My forehead started to get wet

I came out in a hurry

Throwing away everything

So that Everyone cannot see

So That everyone cannot see

We join our fingers

That is the secret sign of us two

So please carry me away from here

Now carry me away

 Tonight

Midnight

So please do not seek for me

Now Touch me

Tonight

Midnight

A Night of no return begins

Woot!! ^^ lol. I found out that Shengor Sei to you lol Killed himself on June 29th lol BUT I got something out of it. Ling's bday or Rei to you. Because Sheng killed himself one day before his bday and him and Ling were twins. so woot! for me! lol. OMGOSH! I needed to do soemthing oh shit yea!! clean my room! lATER all ^^ The song thats currently playing on my xanga if you can hear it is called Jouhou from one of my favorite anime's E's Otherwise  ^^ Much love goes outto me friends. Thank you Margy and Kim Really needed you guys this past weekish thanks for being there for me ^^. Happy Birhtday Haruka! O-genki desu ka?  Hai o kage sama de genki desu lol ^^ Love to all my friends.